Did I marry the right person??

Duisburg, (originally wrote on) 15 März 2007, 17:16

Kemarin gue ngintip isi inbox suami gue. Dan diantara sekian banyak email yang dia dapet – mostly are from mailing list – ada satu email yang catch my eye banget. Emailnya adalah terusan dari artikel seorang dokter, Dr. John C. Maxwell, setelah gue baca… gue ngerasa cocok banget ama pandangan gue tentang pernikahan. I would like to share it in here. Well… here it goes!!!


During one of our seminars, a woman asked a common question. She said, “How do I know if I married the right person?” I noticed that there was a large man sitting next to her so I said, “It depends. Is that your husband?” In all seriousness, she answered “How do you know?” Let me answer this question because the chances are good that it’s weighing on your mind.

Here’s the answer: EVERY relationship has a cycle. In the beginning, you fell in love with your spouse. You anticipated their call, wanted their touch, and liked their idiosyncrasies.

Hahahaha… I always think that, when you´re in love… the bad thing from the one you love can sometimes consider not (so) bad thing. Cause that is what you do in love, you compromise… Ternyata, hal itu bukan karena cinta… tapi karena jatuh cinta. Karena kita lagi semangat-semangatnya menemukan sesuatu yang baru, cinta yang baru, dan kita lagi di atas… kita lagi bahagia… akhirnya kita mau untuk berkompromi. Sekali lagi, kita mau berkompromi karena kita sedang bahagia. Lain halnya kalau kita sudah ngga bahagia, apa aja bisa jadi alasan untuk sebel dan ngga suka ama pasangan kita kan??

Falling in love with your spouse wasn’t hard. In fact, it was a completely natural and spontaneous experience. You didn’t have to DO anything. That’s why it’s called “falling” in love… Because it’s happening TO YOU.

It is such a nice way to put it. Come to think of it, falling in love is easy. But not to everyone though…. sometimes I feel that it was meant to be. I was meant to fell in love with a guy that now is my husband… I was not meant to fell in love to another man. I was meant to fell in love to my Ex-s, but I fell out of love then…

People in love sometimes say, “I was swept of myfeet.” Think about the imagery of that expression. It implies that you were just standing there; doing nothing, and then something came along and happened TO YOU. Falling in love is easy. It’s a passive and spontaneous experience.

Yup… I always think that love comes when you least expected… You dont strive to fall in love. It just happen!!! Kita ngga harus berbuat apa-apa untuk jatuh cinta, tiba-tiba aja kita suka sama seseorang…

But after a few years of  marriage, the euphoria of love fades. It’s the natural cycle of EVERY relationship. Slowly but  surely, phone calls become a bother (if they come at all), touch is not always welcome (when it happens), and your spouse’s idiosyncrasies, instead of being cute, drive you nuts. The symptoms of this stage  vary with every relationship, but if you think about your marriage, you will notice a dramatic difference between the initial stage when you were in love and a much duller or even angry subsequent stage.

Hmmm… maybe it is too early to say, but thank God I haven´t experience it. But come to think of it, maybe it is kinda boring to live your life with one person everyday for the rest of your life… mungkin itu yang menyebabkan siklus ini terjadi. Apa yang terjadi di rumah tangga hanya sebuah rutinitas… Bangun pagi, mandi pagi, masak untuk keluarga, ciuman sopan di pipi tanda pamit kerja, membersihkan rumah, bekerja di kantor, pulang dari kantor, makan malam bersama lalu tidur. Semua dikerjakan setiap hari… dan jadi sebuah kewajiban yang kita lakukan tanpa menikmatinya… So how can we deal with this problem??

At this point, you and/or your spouse might start asking, “Did I marry the right person?” And as you and your spouse reflect on the euphoria of the love you once had, you may begin to desire that experience with someone else. This is when marriages breakdown. People blame their spouse for their unhappiness and look outside their marriage for fulfillment.

Yup… semua karena perbandingan. Ngga ada isi kalo ngga ada kosong, ngga ada baik kalo ngga ada jahat, ngga ada kaya kalo ngga ada miskin… ngga ada bahagia kalo ngga ada sedih…

Extramarital fulfillment comes in all shapes and sizes. Infidelity is the most obvious. But sometimes people turn to work, church, a hobby, a friendship, excessive TV, or abusive substances. But the answer to this dilemma does NOT lie outside your marriage. It lies within it. I’m not saying that you couldn’t fall in love with someone else. You could.  And TEMPORARILY you’d feel better. But you’d be in the same situation a few years later. Because (listen carefully to this):


I couldn´t agree more with this sentence… this is a cycle, it surely will happen to anyone. Jadi, kalo misalnya suatu saat kita bosen dengan pasangan kita… mencari SESEORANG yang baru bukan jalan keluar. Karena suatu saat kita akan terdampar di situasi yang sama dengan seseorang yang baru itu. When that happen, are we going to run again??? Then, we will run for the rest of our life, plus seven or 8 children. Hehehehehe… ´Mencari´adalah tantangan yang kita hadapi saat kita single, saat kita udah married tantangannya adalah mempertahankan apa yang udah kita punya… and it is a lot harder than looking!!

SUSTAINING love is not a passive or spontaneous experience. It’ll NEVER just happen to you. You can’t “find” LASTING love. You have to “make” it day in and day out. That’s why we have the expression “the labor of love.” Because it takes time, effort, and energy. And most importantly, it takes WISDOM. You have to know WHAT TO DO to make your marriage work.

Well… it´s a hard work… but I´m sure that it worth to be done. You have to work for your happiness. That is a fact, including this one… you cant just sit there and asked to be loved?? You have to love to be loved… that is the law!! So… what do you have to do to make your marriage work…?? I don´t know… it is YOUR marriage, you´d know what to do… just listen and pay attention.

Make no mistake about it. Love is NOT a mystery. There are specific things you can do (with or without your spouse) to succeed with your marriage. Just as there are physical laws of the universe (such as gravity), there are also laws for  relationships. Just as the right diet and exercise program makes you physically stronger, certain  habits in your relationship WILL make your marriage stronger. It’s a direct cause and effect. If you know and apply the laws, the results are predictable. .. you can “make” love.

Well… gue ngga cocok untuk bilang apa-apa tentang ini. Well hey!! I´ve been married for only 5 months now. Tapiii… gue berencana untuk membuat pernikahan gue sesuatu yang fun. Semua orang pasti suka melakukan sesuatu yang fun… bebasin suami untuk bersenang-senang (kecuali cari istri baru yha…), banyak ketawa… walaupun itu artinya gue harus berkorban dikelitikin terus ama suami gue. Hehehehehe… hidup itu penuh pengorbanan, BunG!!?! Hopefully, my marriage will work. *crossing my finger this instance*

Love in marriage is indeed a “decision”.. . Not just a feeling. “Though you cannot go back and make a brand new start, my friend. Anyone can start from now and make a brand new end.”

Indeed that is… marriage is a decision. You don´t have to be married if you dont want to. It is a choice, inspite of those cultural and religion aspects… marriage is not certainty, not a condition, and not the goal in life. It is a way… a way to reach happiness… OUR goal in life. If you don´t want this way… there IS another way. But when you do choose this way, please be reminded of the consequences. After all… every decisions comes with consequences…


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