7 Months of Meditation… on the road to Perfection

(Originally wrote on) Montag, 13 Oktober 2008

Duisburg 12:37 pm – sambil merhatiin Naila keliling rumah

It is seven months alreadyyy!!! And I tell you, it was not hard but it was not easy either. It was one hell of a rollercoaster ride indeed. But I am proudly to say that I survived the first six months.

Waktu gue kecil, gue suka banget baca buku cerita pewayangan bergambar. Mahabharata, Ramayana dan teman-temannya. Di semua cerita pewayangan yang gue baca, selalu ada adegan saat seorang ksatria bersemedi untuk dapetin sesuatu, entah itu senjata, pengampunan dosa atau ‘sekedar’ untuk kesempurnaan. Semedinya itu bisa dengan berbagai gaya, duduk sila, posisi kijang sampe berdiri angkat kaki satu – itu mah dihukum guru SD kali ya?? hehehe. Well, to me… I had my meditation. My journey to the perfection… I’ve done it for seven months now. Posisinya?? Menjaga makhluk cilik bernama Naila. And this is what I’ve learnt so far…

Lesson no. 1: Multitasking skill advance

The first and probably the most obvious lesson is that I learned to do everything faster and if possible at the same time. Well… kebanyakan siy melakukan semuanya sambil nggendong. Ahahaha… masak sambil gendong, ngepel sambil nidurin naila, infact… I am writing this blog with naila on my hand.

Bulan-bulan pertama, susaah banget buat ninggalin naila. Jadi yang ada yaaa ngelakuin semuanya secepat mungkin -sampai naila ga sadar kalo dia ditinggal, atau melakukannya sambil gendong naila. I carried her so much that I think I grew muscles!! hehehe…

Semakin lama siy keadaan semakin baik… Naila dah bisa duduk, merangkak dan main sendiri. Jadi udah LEBIH bisa ditinggal. Tapi justru pada saat tidur dia ga mau ditaro… that is why  I do what I’m doing right now. Nulis sambil mangku baby tidur.

Lesson no. 2: Pendalaman “Kesabaran”

It takes a great number of Patience to raise a child… that I think is not a secret. But one can never really understand why until they faced a non-stop crying baby and with no obvious reason. Well I do now…

Again, di bulan-bulan awal tangisan Naila rasanya ga ada habisnya. People said that baby cries either because she’s hungry, dirty diaper or sleepy. Well I think that is a bunch of bulls**t!! excuse the language. BABIES CRY BECAUSE THEY ARE BABY!!! That is the only thing they can do…

That is me now… me 4-5 months ago did not have that kind of wisdom. Streeesss rasanya kalo Naila dah mulai rewel, terutama saat senjata ampuh gue ngga berhasil juga – nenen, hihihi. Sometimes I got so depressed that I started to cry with her. Hehehe… bayangin aja ada dua cewe satu umur 7 bulan ama 27 tahun nangis bareng. Dan dengan menyesal gue katakan, I have once or twice snapped and angry to her. Alhamdulillah gue masih dkasi kesabaran, walaupun gue jadi kebayang kenapa ada banyak kasus ibu mukulin bayinya. Knock on wood, mudah-mudahan gue bisa terhindar dari gelap mata yang seperti itu.

Satu hal lagi tentang baby… they are very inconsistent. Satu hari mereka bisa makan atau minum dengan lahapnya tapi keesokannya dia tiba-tiba gak mau minum sebotol pun. Satu hari mereka tidur 9 jam all through the night, and the next day they wake up every hour. Believe me… menghadapi situasi tadi bisa bikin frustasi. Again… it takes a great deal of patience and hope that it will not last a long time.

That above case also bring us to the next lesson…

Lesson no. 3: PASRAH dan SYUKUR

At this point blog ini akan keliatan seperti pelajaraan agama.  Those are 2 simple words but very hard to do. Susaaah banget untuk gak berharap lebih dari anak kita… Makan lebih banyak, tidur lebih lama, tidur sendiri, ngga rewel.

Di tambah lagi kalo disekitar kita ada pembanding yang lebih dari kita. Pembanding gue adalah anak tetangga gue yang pas banget ama deskripsi baby ideal. Ngga pernah keliatan nangis – apa guenya aja yang ga tau ya? – kalo makan banyak dan terjadwal, bobonya bisa ditinggal dan lama… this baby actually made me think that having baby is easy. Hahahah… what a stupid thought.

There are a lot of “if only” di pikiran gue, yang membuat gue jadi ga terima kenyataan, ga puas ama diri gue sendiri which makes me even more stressed out. Padahaaaalll obatnya cuma PASRAH dan BERSYUKUR atas apa yang kita punya.

Kalo kata mama, “Jangan sawang sinawang!!” alias jangan liat kanan kiri, or you would want more than you deserve. Jalanin aja semua apa adanya, tanpa melakukan perbandingan, tanpa berharap lebih. Bersyukur dengan keadaan yang ada dan lakukan yang terbaik yang gue bisa. That way, i won’t get too stressed which can make me handle Naila better.

Lesson no. 4: IKHLAS (told you that it would look like pelajaran agama!!)

The last but I think most important lesson I take from this past 7 months is that the fact that I am now a mother, few things are and will be changed; and that I should happily accept that… ikhlas!! And this is – I think – the hardest lesson of all, because the thing that I should overcome is MYSELF and my ego.

Being a mother means that you dont own your life to yourself anymore. Di tahap ini, hidup Naila lebih penting dari hidup gue sendiri, karena itu ada beberapa hal yang pasti berubah d hidup gue yang belum tentu terjadi di suami gue.

Again, I am doing a comparison…

In one of those days, kadang gue merindukan saat-saat gue masih memiliki hidup gue sendiri. Tidur bisa seenaknya, nonton film sampai pagi, pergi dengan bebas, do everything I want. And to see that my husband can still do things he had done pre-naila, makes everything even worse.

As bad as it sounds, kadang gue merasa dikekang ama makhluk kecil ini… sampai-sampai, ‘mandi’ jadi suatu kemewahan buat gue, yang hanya bisa gue lakuin dengan ijin suami. Jadi ketika suami gue pergi main tenis sementara gue d rumah berdua dengan baby yang ngga berhenti nangis… gue jadi seseorang yang sangat buruk… yang ngelupain usaha keras yang juga dilakukan suami gue, yang ngerasa paling berkorban, yang ngerasa paling bener…

Di tengah-tengah kekacauan pikiran gue itulah gue sadar, kenapa surga itu adanya di telapak kaki ibu. Because of all people, she is the one most affected with the baby, no matter how hands-on the father is. It is natural for a mother to give up her “life” for her baby. And at that point, gue sadar… gue harus terima keadaan gue, bahwa gue sekarang seorang ibu dan gue HARUS belajar untuk ikhlas dengan semua perubahan dan keadaan gue sebagai seorang ibu. By being ikhlas… I think I will be happier and relax in doing all this baby stuff.

The good news is… I am half way there!!

Gue jadi inget waktu gue baru melahirkan, salah satu sahabat gue ngasih ucapan selamat seperti ini: “Selamat ya, Bi.. lo sekarang punya ladang pahala.” Baru sekarang gue ngerti maksudnya apa. She doesn’t even have a baby, yet her wisdom is far ahead of me.

Well, setelah 7 bulan bermeditasi… gue belum bisa bilang kalo gue udah master all 4 skills, even the first one. I don’t even really know whether I can ever mastered it. but I will try though.. all the best I can, because I really want to be the best wife and mommy for my precious daughter!!

Beberapa saat yang lalu, tepat saat gue nulis paragraf tentang ikhlas… naila nangis dalam tidurnya, as if she is crying because of me blaming her. But I said to her…

“Ssshhh… I love you with all my heart Naila. How can I ever blame you?? YOU are my road to perfection…”

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